Monday, June 27, 2011

Coming Clean

There's a reason why I haven't posted as frequently over the past seven months or so.  Well, actually, there are a lot of reasons, but they are mostly to do with a certain little man who is currently taking my heart by storm.  But the real reason, the one I was talking about at first, it makes my heart beat a little faster to think about actually writing it for you to read.  Admitting it.  To the public.  So here goes.

Postpartum depression.  Yep.  It's real and it's ugly and I've been suffering from it since about January I think.  And, yes, now it's June, which is five months later, but it's taken me this long to admit it.  I had to get to the bottom of the pit before I wanted out.  The beginning of this year was such a black hole for me, I felt like I was literally drowning all the time and for no reason at all.  When Miller had RSV and was in the hospital and decided that he hated nursing for some reason, something inside me just broke.  I cried, I panicked, and I did not sleep a whole lot.  For months.  Every day felt like a drudgery and I spent my time treading water, gasping for air.  The person in the mirror looking back at me was a complete stranger.  Last month, I finally had had enough.  I couldn't take it anymore, I didn't care a lick about the stigmas I had attached to depression.  I wanted out.  And here I am.  Living, breathing, laughing, actually reveling in the life that God has given me.

Why do I write about this?  Sympathy?  No.  Judgement?  H*@! no!  I want you to know that if you ever feel like this, have felt like this, ever do feel like this in the future, YOU'RE NOT ALONE.  Lots of people deal with this every day.  Depression shouts at you that you're alone and awful and will never escape.  But you can.  I did am.  Everyday is a struggle to choose joy and life, but it's so worth it.

Please let me know if you want to hear more about this.  There's lots I could share, but I had to start somewhere.


Big Jen said...

I feel ya Kel. I had some ROUGH months after Isaac was born, but no one seemed to understand. Family members continued to put more and more pressure on me to "keep up" with my usual routine and I just couldn't do it. Praying for you to climb out of that hole soon as life with 2 kids becomes more "regular" (whatever the heck that means!)

Jen said...

Oh Kel,
I'm praying for you, dear Sister! So thankful to hear that you're laughing. Sometimes just being aware can be the hugest hurdle to jump. I do have to say you have had a host of things to be dealing with and adjusting to and I'm just so thankful for your friendship! I'm back! Let's have coffee and catch up!! Love you, sister.

Ellen said...

thank you for your honesty kelli! praying for the Lord to continue to sustain you by His grace and to renew you day by day. He has made you so beautiful!

The Howell family said...

Well said my friend.

Kels said...

Thanks everyone for your kind words and support! I really, really just want people to know that this happens to a lot more people than you think. Big Jen and Ellen, thanks so much for your friendship from afar. Jen and Howells, I don't know what I'd do without y'all here!


laura said...

It was so good to talk to you last night. I am really glad that you posted this instead of brushing it aside. From personal experience, I think that the darkest thoughts we deal with begin to be defeated when God gives us the strength to throw them into the light, unhidden and revealed for what they are. God bless you, lady. I miss you!