Coming Clean

There's a reason why I haven't posted as frequently over the past seven months or so.  Well, actually, there are a lot of reasons, but they are mostly to do with a certain little man who is currently taking my heart by storm.  But the real reason, the one I was talking about at first, it makes my heart beat a little faster to think about actually writing it for you to read.  Admitting it.  To the public.  So here goes.

Postpartum depression.  Yep.  It's real and it's ugly and I've been suffering from it since about January I think.  And, yes, now it's June, which is five months later, but it's taken me this long to admit it.  I had to get to the bottom of the pit before I wanted out.  The beginning of this year was such a black hole for me, I felt like I was literally drowning all the time and for no reason at all.  When Miller had RSV and was in the hospital and decided that he hated nursing for some reason, something inside me just broke.  I cried, I panicked, and I did not sleep a whole lot.  For months.  Every day felt like a drudgery and I spent my time treading water, gasping for air.  The person in the mirror looking back at me was a complete stranger.  Last month, I finally had had enough.  I couldn't take it anymore, I didn't care a lick about the stigmas I had attached to depression.  I wanted out.  And here I am.  Living, breathing, laughing, actually reveling in the life that God has given me.

Why do I write about this?  Sympathy?  No.  Judgement?  H*@! no!  I want you to know that if you ever feel like this, have felt like this, ever do feel like this in the future, YOU'RE NOT ALONE.  Lots of people deal with this every day.  Depression shouts at you that you're alone and awful and will never escape.  But you can.  I did am.  Everyday is a struggle to choose joy and life, but it's so worth it.

Please let me know if you want to hear more about this.  There's lots I could share, but I had to start somewhere.

Dad

When he was only 21 years old, my dad became my dad.  I'd like to think that, like all new parents, he was terrified, but I'm sure he didn't show it if he was.  If I know my dad, he jumped into parenting with abandon, head first, and gave it all he had.  Twenty nine years later, the same is true.  In all honesty, I don't really have the words to adequately laud my dad.  I love exercise because he does, I love reading because he does, I love learning because he does, but, most of all, I love the Lord because he does.  (And as an aside, I cannot think about my dad without thinking of you too Mama.  So, just for you and everyone reading this, know that she is included in everything I say about him.)  For years my parents have gotten up early early to pray and I can't think of anything better they could have done/could do.

Thank you for giving everything you do 110%, Dad.  Thank you for pointing us to Christ at every turn.  I know you're not perfect, but I couldn't dream of a better earthly father.  I want to be like the Jesus I see in you.

{The picture is of my and my dad and Miller-man on the day he came home from the hospital.}

Milestones

My kiddos are hitting milestones left and right these days, thus the total lack of blogging lately.  Most of my "free" time is spent trying to get one or both of them to nap.  That said, I thought I'd jot down a snippet of what's going on around here.

Els continues to say everything that we do and everything else that she can think of.  The child could (and sometimes does) literally talk to a wall.  The coolest thing she's started doing lately is singing.  To my utter joy and delight, she knows most of the little songs that I have sung to her her whole life and she sings them back to me now.  A personal favorite is "Tinkle Tinkle Wittle Ta-wa."  Also, the girlfriend is all but potty trained.  She still wears a diaper at naptime and bedtime, but sometimes even those stay dry.

Miller-man has hit the six month old point where he just does something new every day it seems like.  In the last two weeks he has gotten his first tooth, started sitting up on his own, and is eating baby food twice a day.  I am positive that he will rejoice the day he no longer has to nurse or take a bottle.  He wants our food now and only humors me by drinking most of his nutrition.  We joke that we are going to have steak for his first birthday.  He is still the smiliest Mama's boy that's ever been.  .

Well, that's it for now.  I hear a rousing chorus of "Mama, Mama, Mama" coming from Els' room.  She's still in a crib.  Not ready for that milestone yet!