Sunday, November 27, 2005

Still here...

With a potential "all-nighter" impending, I am filled with deep thoughts and it occurred to me to blog again. As I struggle to critique an epidemiological article about the relationship of HIV with previous herpes simplex virus type 2 infection, the only things that I can think about are totally unrelated to that subject. I have discovered a new musical group that I love for the first time in a very long time and this always leads to a reawakening of my bohemian tendencies.

Tonight, just like many nights, I am wondering why I am doing what I am doing. Don't get me wrong, I never doubt getting married, but sometimes I wonder why I did everything in the "right" order. For example, I graduated from college in the obligatory 4 years with a very practical undergraduate degree and then entered the working world. Now, I'm back in school and doing all the "good" graduate student things like studying a lot and getting an assitantship (even though it's in a field of study that I wouldn't like to work ever). Why have I always done exactly what was expected of me? I've never fallen asleep in class (really, ever), never turned anything in late, never made a C, etc. There's a Derek Webb song that alludes to "trading in our crowns for paper or plastic lives" and this is my greatest fear.

We've built this unfathomably enormous ladder for ourselves to climb not knowing that at the top we'll find that we've passed all of the important things by. As much as my flesh tells me that I want the things of this world, my spirit cries that I am a citizen of Heaven.


citystreams said...

As a person who has fallen asleep in class, turned in papers late AND made a few (thousand) C's I can tell you that it doesn't represent (at least for me) what you're describing. I really admire the fact that you continue to apply yourself tirelessly. I feel that I'm always staggering and stumbling but you seem to "rise on the wings of eagles" and "study to show yourself approved." I often feel like the only thing that keeps me sane is the knowledge of the growing mountain of grace with my name on it. I wish I could set the kind of example that I see in you. Your life has the power of grace within it whereas mine often has the power of grace covering over it. Nobody who looks at you sees a sterotype. They see a woman full of godly grace and energy who is compassionate, thoughtful and an excellent role model.

jenna said...

i've gone through the same thoughts so many times, kelly! i think that we must remember, as you mentioned, that our destination is our heavenly home, and God gives us each a path to walk until we get there.

while our lives on paper may not seem revolutionary or different than most, we must remember that God uses us in ways we might not even know, and we can never figure out his thoughts or plans because they are higher than our own comprehension.

i think what matters most is seeking God's will, even if it seems ordinary, and trusting that He will show his glory through that, even in the most minute ways. and maybe his putting as in kind of "normal" lives is to keep us from getting prideful about how revolutionary, different, independent, etc we think we are! :)