Sunday, January 23, 2011

You Can't Always Get What You Want

How do I even begin to tell you about the past week of life for us?  I have to begin by being real honest and saying that for the first six weeks of Miller's life, he was quite the fusser.  Finally, we got him on Zantac over the course of a week, he began to show us a little of the laid back fella that I'm beginning to think he is.  Then.  Oh, then.  Then he got RSV.  He was diagnosed last Friday with a mild case.  The doctor sent us home with instructions to raise the head of his bed, run a humidifier, and call if he got worse.  No problem.  Until last Sunday night when he started running a pretty high fever and struggling to breathe. I have never been so terrified in my life.  It was a numbing terror, watching our precious 7-week old held down for chest x-rays and an IV insertion.  Not to mention just being in the Beaufort Memorial ER at midnight on a Sunday.  That place is crazy.

God's hand was on us every second, though, and we only spent the next 48 hours at the hospital.  We were admitted to a room and Miller had a lot of breathing treatments and fluids before finally being released on Tuesday night.  Although relieved to be home at that point, I felt like we were back at the beginning in some respects with him.  He was only between 7 and 8 weeks old and any small strides I had made with him as far as scheduling goes were tossed out the window.  And now he's on a nursing semi-strike.  I can't really talk about that yet because I have no idea where this is headed.

Through it all, I have been thinking a lot about the Pharisees in the Bible and how Jesus was not the savior they were looking for.  He was born in a barn, hung out with low-lifes, said some crazy things, and died a horrific death at 33.  They were looking for someone to overturn Rome and sit on the throne like King David did.  They wanted life restored to how they thought it should have been.  Right then.  I've been thinking about this because I keep thinking, "This is not how I wanted to be saved."  This is not how I wanted to learn God's grace and provision for me.  This is not how I wanted to learn to trust him.  Most days I feel like I am more qualified to do any other job on the planet than to parent my two precious babies.  But this is how God chose for me to be sanctified.  This is how He chose to show Himself in my life.  Sickness and tiredness and everything changing day after day after day.  All of those people who told me that it was the toughest thing they've ever done to go from one child to two were right.

But perseverance produces hope, so I need to go to bed now so I can do all of this craziness again tomorrow.  Thank goodness that His mercies are new every morning.

"You can't always get what you want.  But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. "  -The Rolling Stones


heather ryan morse said...

thanks for the warning about one to two babies..a little too late :) I will be praying, friend.

thankful for His eternal peace amidst our temporal chaos!

Ellen said...

it is SO hard to be a parent. i keep telling myself that it is my dream life, just a hard one. hang in there though...hospitalization is just a little traumatic for everyone. soon you will see the chaos more as occasional instead of constant. praying for you friend! your children are so beautiful!