Rumor Has It

We may have been listening to a lot of Adele here lately.  And we have a cat named Rumor.

The Why

I've been doing much much thinking over the past month or so since my head kind of began to come out of the fog about why this happened to me anyway.  One of the hardest things about admitting that I was depressed is that I have always considered myself a happy person.  But, like I mentioned before, a defining factor of my experience with depression is that I didn't feel anything like myself.  Sometimes I felt like I was watching myself go through the motions of life from the outside.  I kept thinking, "this can't be me."

Anyway, moving on to what I think may be a big part of the "why" of my situation.  Miller hates nursing.  I know it's weird, but he has since he was born.  I had such a good experience with this with Els, I was so excited to do it again with Miller.  So, when he was about three weeks old and started screaming bloody murder every time I fed him, it literally broke me.  In pieces.  But I kept on with the madness, mostly because of my stubbornness (which I'm not saying is a good thing), for five more months.  B and my Mom begged me to wean him, but I bull-headedly would not give up.  It was crazy and stupid and now it's over. Miller never liked nursing anymore than in the beginning and I nearly drove everyone close to me crazy.

Words I NEVER thought I'd say are, "I feel so incredibly free now because I feed my baby formula."  But I do.  Bottom line, how I feed Miller for his first year of life is one of the first and smallest of many, MANY decisions I will make for and about him.  The most important thing is that we're happy now.  We don't all cringe and I don't get pits in my stomach every time Miller's hungry.  Chances are, he'll never know or care whether he was nursed or bottle-fed.  We could not be closer if that child was an extension of my arm.  He is a Mama's boy if there ever was one.

And, good Lord, if that child was any cuter, I don't know what we'd do with ourselves.

I'm still trying to figure out how to follow up my last post.  Thanks for listening and {hopefully} not judging.  It is the desire of my heart that my story helps others as it comes out little by little.  Thank you all so much for your comments and emails, I am going to personally respond to them all in time.  Part of how I've dealt with life over the last months has been not responding to much, but now I want to.  I need to.  So I will.

Things are settling back to normal around these parts after lots of time away in June.  Miller taking morning naps in his bed at 7 months finally and time with friends here all feels like grace upon grace.  We have lots of plans for our little family in the coming months, so we'll see how the Lord directs our steps.  Crawling, pottying on the big girl potty, building a patio, and always beer brewing, etc, etc....

Happy Fourth!