Well, it's late. And I'm alone. Again. And what do I do when it's late and I'm alone? Sleep? No. I think, but it's more than that. It's more like my mind goes on complete overdrive. It all starts with the reason that I'm alone. My husband is in training for an elite branch of the military, which, although wonderously noble on the outside, it's tough on the inside. I have always been one-hundred percent on board for this pursuit, I just never knew what sacrifices would have to be made on our part. It's like he works for a company that completely owns him and every second of every day. During training, there are late nights (most of them planned, some unexpected) and there are not sick days. There are no personal days for going with your wife to her first ultrasound and there's the big question of how you will be there for the delivery.
I fight it so hard, but I still cry every night that he's gone. (I'm sure that the being pregnant and setting my itunes to Patty Griffin doesn't help the situation either.) And I know that it will get easier. And I rest (albeit struggling to) in the fact that this is God's will for us right now. But this is not what I pictured. Where is the line between wanting to spend my life with my husband and being okay with him being gone so much? I don't want to do life with other military wives, as wonderful as they are, I want to do life with my husband. That's why I married him. He's my best friend. I look forward to the days when I'm not up at midnight wondering if he will get released to come home that night.
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2 comments:
I feel your pain. I told Hubs today that I feel like a single mom most of the time now. It's nothing for me to go to an inner city football game by myself with Bri in the rain. Nothing. (Guess what I did Friday?) And nobody even asked where he was because they're used to me being alone most of the time. Sigh.
I hear your sadness...and i feel a different pain..i can't say i have been in the same boat but in a different boat...with the same feelings.
i know this doesn't help...but know that if it weren't this struggle it would be something else...i cry late at night because jack and i don't connect and communicate like i would love to...there is some void there that i can't break through...and i think, "if we could only..." but the truth is that there will always be a something that will make things less than perfect for us....
thus, why we need Christ as our void filler, right? easy to say, hard to understand and impossible to do...
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