Monday, March 10, 2008

Before the Glory, After the Rust

"Reasons Why," the title of my blog, is so appropriate for me on so many levels. It's the title of one of my favorite songs, which is one of my favorite songs because of the words. Namely, "others have excuses, I have my 'reasons why,'" resonates with me because I have this overwhelming fear of not doing the right thing and I feel like I'm always on the offensive, justifying to myself and others why I do what I do. Does this make sense? Next month I'll turn 26, I have a master's degree, and I'm a glorified receptionist. Hence, the constant offensive justification. All through school I was an excellent student, you know, the kind that was going to really do something with themselves. I studied hard and I really cared about what I was learning. And now I'm a receptionist. And really the person I think that I have disappointed the most is myself. My friends are teachers, nurses, doctors, salespeople, planners, real estate agents, and lawyers. And I'm a receptionist.

I'm not going to offer my extensive excuse for this here, although rest assured it mostly involves fear. I'm just going to say that I'm not going to do this forever. In a little over a month we're moving to a new state and I get a new start. I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do or what I want to do, but I am determined to do something I like. I have applied for an internship this summer with International Justice Mission, an organization I've mentioned a couple of times, but I haven't heard anything yet. They investigate and intervene in cases of human rights abuse all over the world. A lot of their work happens in southeast Asia with victims of sex trafficking. Pray about that for me, this is an opportunity I've wanted for a while. Also on the list is learning how to play the guitar. The only thing I've wanted to do over the whole span of my life is be a musician, and at a quarter of a century, it's high time I began to do this.

All of this is in effort to be a little more open with you, my readers and friends, so that you know where everything else I write comes from and what my experiences are colored by. I believe in a Sovereign who has put me on this path for His purposes, even though I don't understand. There is just a deep longing in me that's never been there before to do something more than work for a pay check.

The title of this post comes from a Sandra McCracken song called Eve. I think that one line explains where I live-"Before the Glory, after the rust." After the fall. I know there's glory to come, I just live in the rusted world now and it's hard. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about


jenny said...

and I always thought your website address was "other shave excuses"... I guess I'm the only one who hates to shave their legs, YIKES.

And I understand the disappointment you feel. I had all the right credentials in high school and college to be something great, yet I sit at the front desk at our office and sell life insurance. But like you said, GOD IS SOVEREIGN and it's all in his plan.

Annie said...

beautiful post. I love that you called God "Sovereign". It's not just what He is, it's WHO He is. Awesome.

Praying for you.