What I Need to Hear Today

Sovereign grace o’er sin abounding!

Ransomed souls, the tidings swell;
’Tis a deep that knows no sounding;
Who its breadth or length can tell?
On its glories,
Let my soul for ever dwell.

What from Christ that soul can sever,
Bound by everlasting bands?
Once in Him, in Him for ever;
Thus the eternal covenant stands.
None shall take Thee
From the Strength of Israel’s hands.

Heirs of God, joint-heirs with Jesus,
Long ere time its race begun;
To His name eternal praises;
O what wonders love has done!
One with Jesus,
By eternal union one.

On such love, my soul, still ponder,
Love so great, so rich, so free;
Say, while lost in holy wonder,
Why, O Lord, such love to me?
Hallelujah!
Grace shall reign

-Sovereign Grace O'er Sin Abounding by John Kent

Mothering: What I've Learned So Far

Wow.  That title kind of sounds like I'm writing a memoir or something, but it's the best I could come up with.  But, I digress.  First of all, I want to say that I am by no means an expert, nor do I make that claim.  If anything, parenting makes me feel dumber by the day.  I've only done this blessed of all jobs for almost 15 months now, but as I scrambled to get chores done during Els' morning nap today, I began thinking about advice people gave me at one of the showers before she was born.  One woman's advice in particular is the piece that I come back to over and over in my mind.  She said, "Stop reading parenting books now.  I decided when my first child was born to mother just like my mother did.  To just love my children and rock them to sleep."  (My paraphrase.)

The first major thing I've learned is to stop comparing myself and my child to others.  While that sounds like the high road, it's mainly so that I don't go crazy.  Which I did for a long time, reading other mom's facebook statuses about how their child slept 14 hours straight at 6 weeks or how they had lost all of the baby weight by that time too.  Neither were true for us and I spent a long time feeling like a terrible mother and a terrible person because of those facts.  So, I decided to stop comparing and start enjoying my little girl for who she is and come to grips with myself as a mother.  (Which meant, among other things, carrying around extra weight for months. And months.)  Since I have decided this, I have been so much happier.

One of the biggest lessons I've learned about bringing up a baby so far is to not get too comfortable in any stage because, as soon as I do, it's going to change.  In the first year, Els would sleep through the night for two weeks and then stop for a month.  She would nap well for a month and then scream through naps for three weeks.  Now, it tends to be food that we cycle through stages with.  She loves bananas at breakfast and hates them at lunch time.  She gobbles down what we have for dinner one night and won't touch it for lunch the next day.  You get the point.  B reminds me all the time that she's just a little person.  He says, "You don't always sleep good do you?  We don't always want to eat the same thing for every meal.  Why should we expect Els to be a little robot and do the same things all the time?"  He's so great at common sense.  

Last, (for now because this is getting long) is never say never.  It's something my mom has always told us.  Right now, that mainly refers to feeding Els as well.  I never wanted to be the parent that fed her children hot dogs and mac-n-cheese.  Oh boy, but if that's the only thing I can get this crazy girl to eat, that's what I feed her.  One day, she'll like "good" food.  And at some meals now, she does.

So, there are my three cents for now.  Most of all, I've learned to cling to my Heavenly Father through all of this.  He's the only way to make it through any day and parenting makes that highly evident.

What to Say?

First of all, I'm up entirely too late.  B is doing work and it's always been very hard for me to make myself go to bed, even if I'm sleepy.  I will absolutely do anything in order to keep myself up.  Ridiculous, I know.  Also, I still have to take a shower because I haven't had one since yesterday morning.  Yuck.  But, I am guessing it's about that time.  What time, you ask?  Oh, about time to tell you that our family of 3 will become a family of 4 in late November/early December!

While not totally unplanned, this little one was certainly a surprise to us all.  I'm feeling alright mostly.  I don't think I'm as nauseated as I was with Els, but I have my theories for that.  Mostly I'm incredibly tired all the time (hence why I need to be going to bed instead of writing) and working out is about ten times harder than it was even a month ago.  I am, however, sticking with it.  That is my goal with this pregnancy.  To work out as hard as I am able for as long as possible.  It just makes me feel better.  So far, so good, but there are still 30ish weeks to go.

I am trying very hard not to assume that this baby will be two weeks early like Els.  It's not working though.  Although my technical due date is December 8th, my personal wager is that the baby will come the week of Thanksgiving.  We shall see.

So, there you go!  We feel beyond blessed about the addition to our family.  We keep trying to ask Els whether she wants a brother or sister, but she has yet to weigh in on the matter.  She is too busy walking everywhere and getting into everything and pretty much being the joy of our life.

Buh-bye Blackberry

When Blackberries first came out, I remember thinking that I never ever wanted one.  I already felt like I was on a short leash with both a cell phone and email, but when you combine the two, I thought, you would always have to be available.  There would be no excuses.  However, the thing about me is that I'm not an early adopter.  I like to hear someone say that it's worked for them and they love it over and over again before I'm ready to jump in.

So this happened.  Over and over again I heard about the amazing wonders of the Blackberry and then, last June, I became an owner.  A user.  There's a reason people call them "Crackberries."  All of the sudden, I was checking it all the time.  Do I have an email?  A facebook comment?  Not to mention that B downloaded a ridiculously addictive game called "Ka-Glom" onto it which I played all the time.  I have not ever been one to play video games of any kind.  But none of these are the reasons that we finally parted two weeks ago today.  It was the price tag.

Let's face it, I'm a stay at home mom and spending $30 on my data plan a month just didn't make sense anymore.  (Or ever, really.)  I can check my email at home anytime I want on the computer, so all I really need is a reliable cell phone with good service.  So, kicking and screaming, I gave up the ole' BB last month when my plan was up.

We're experimenting with a no-contract cell phone right now that I'm not entirely sold on, but it works.  I do feel like I've set myself back about 5 years cell phone wise, but oh well.  I'm curious about how others of you handle the whole cell phone thing now.  Am I the only one [back] in the dark ages again?

I Never Thought

That I would marry a Marine (or a lawyer for that matter.)
That I would live in South Carolina
That I would love South Carolina (well, at least parts of it)
That I would drink black coffee (weird, weird development in my life of late)
That I would enjoy weightlifting
That I would be a stay at home mom (and love it!)
That I could love a little girlfriend so much
That my heart is so black
That there is so much Hope.

This is 6 Days Late

April 6, 2002 was such a life changing day for me, I've already blogged about it before.  Since that post was mainly about Grace, I thought I'd expound upon something I merely touched on there.  On that fateful Saturday, I wore an off-white dress suit thing that I loved at the time but now can't believe I would ever wear.  I sang in the wedding of two dear friends and spent most of the reception trying to avoid a boy that I had broken up with several months before.  Most importantly, though, I was finally introduced to the friend of a close friend that I had heard a lot about.  Brian Magee, I finally met the famous Brian Magee and the name had a face.  A face that, at that time, was framed by shaggy hair and a goatee, the combination of which made me think that he was a lot older than me.  Too old for me, so, on that day, I never gave him a second thought.

Skip a month, to late May, when in the frenzy of getting ready to go out with my best friend from high school, I met this guy again.  In my parent's basement, watching a movie with my brother.  This time, his head was shaved, but the goatee still remained.  I remember thinking that he was good looking and maybe not as old as I had previously thought.

Fast forward a wonderful trip-filled summer to my first semester at UGA.  Oh, there were new guys everywhere, but I kept running into one in particular that seemed different to me.  Brian Magee.  And, as it turned out, we are the same age.  (Well, 7 months apart, but same "grade.")  He was handsome, intriguing, interesting, and pretty much unlike anyone I'd ever met.

We started dating that fall and the rest, as they say, is history.

"You turned me into somebody loved..."  -The Weepies

People I Know

Today my heart just aches for people I know.  People I REALLY know.  The people I don't have to explain myself to or wonder if they like me.

Suprise! You're Still a Runner

That's what I found out at the race on Saturday.  I wasn't sure.  I've only dabbled in running since Els was born.  Oh, who am I kidding?  Since I found out I was pregnant with her, just short of two years ago.  I certainly have not trained for anything.  But, lo and behold, I ran a pretty respectable (to me-I was still just 10th in my age group) time at the Beaufort Twilight Run and, afterwards, fun was had by all.  I'm pretty sure I owe if all to Uncle Tony, as my sister and I refer to him.  Still, I don't do P90X everyday, just 3 or 4 days a week with 1 or 2 runs mixed in there.

All that to say, I've caught the bug now.  I want to do more races.  The thing that I really love about racing is the people.  Just like any other big event, races bring out all sorts of folks.  There are the seriously trained, you-know-before-the-race-starts-that-they're-gonna-be-first-or-second people.  They're usually on mile two of their warm-ups as I cruise into the parking lot, finishing my last gummy worm.  There's the dress ups.  You know, the people wearing Batman costumes, or American flag spandex shorts.  At this race there was a whole group of dudes wearing button up tiger print shirts.  (Side note; one time, the picture company got my race number mixed up with the guy dressed up like Batman's and I got his race pictures in the mail.)  There are the women in full make-up and jewelry, the growing number of people with iPods, and the pre-pubescent boys who sprint for 400 meters and then walk over and over again but still end up averaging 6:30 miles.  The most disturbing (to me) people are the race t-shirt wearers.  No, not previous race t-shirts, the race they're currently running's t-shirt.  There is no bigger race party foul.  You don't wear the shirt 'til you've crossed the finish line, people.  It's a badge of honor. 

Anyway, I wrote and meant to post this a whole week ago, but I've been away from the computer.  I got my race pictures by email two days ago and will not be ordering any.  Running pictures of me have always been disgusting.  But I still want to keep running and getting better.  Pictures or not.

Rambling Thoughts

Two years ago, I remember thinking about how I was loving "spring forward" for the first time ever.  I was working at the Classic Center in Athens and it was a beautiful morning.  Never have I had an appreciation for this phenomenon like I do now.  That is because spring forward equals it's 8:30am and Els is still snoozing.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love that girl more than anything, but making and drinking my first cup of coffee without her begging for puffs and bananas ('nanas') is something I could get used to. Something tells me that she'll adjust sooner or later and this blissful hour will end.  (Or, I'll have to get up earlier to have it, and if you know me, you're not holding your breath for that one. ha.)

Onto other things.  We are mildly settled back into life again.  B is in the job that he'll hopefully do for a year before he is moved again.  The wedding shower that my sister, mom, and I hosted this past weekend was a success.  Not the kind of success where there are a lot of people there, but the kind where there are people that love each other together and everyone has a great time.  We had a blast with the bride and groom for the whole weekend.  I just wish I was better with taking pictures.

And speaking of, Els had her one year photo shoot with the very talented Cindy Streams.  I can't wait to see the finished product.  She was her little stoic self at the beginning, but then warmed up and gave us some priceless faces.  That girl has a mind of her own.  Heaven help me.  

Tomorrow, I will begin my second Bible Study of the year and I'm way too excited about it.  Also, on a total whim, I'm running an 8K this weekend.  It's in the evening and is followed by an oyster roast, so it should be a good time even if I'm not close to prepared to race 4.9 miles.

Whew!  Well, enough about me.  How about you?

This and That

Ours is a bit of a revolving door these days.  Whether it's us leaving or others coming, we haven't had a "regular" weekend since January.  This leaves me either cleaning furiously or packing hurriedly on all but a  few days of the week.  And the events, oh the events, they are wonderful, but my mother and I are planning several of them this spring.  There was Els' birthday last weekend, a wedding shower next weekend, and an upcoming family reunion in April.  Also in the mix are several weddings which we are happily not planning.  (This year at least.)

Don't get me wrong.  I love planning, I love cooking, and, well, I don't really mind cleaning.  I relish being in a house full of people that I love, but it all goes by so fast, like flashes before my eyes.  Life at this pace doesn't leave a lot of time for reflection and certainly less time for blogging.  So, I guess I'm writing about it today because I want to enjoy all of this "together" time.  I want to be able to hit the pause button and have meaningful conversations with everyone I see.  I want to be able to write for you what I'm learning through it all, I'm just not sure what that is right now.

In addition, B is going through some crazy changes at work.  He jokes that he feels like a ping pong ball, hit back and forth by the whims and purposes of the powers that be.  I tend to think of his work situation as a roulette wheel where he's the ball.  Where will he land when the wheel stops turning? (4? 8? 15? 16? 23? 42?, but I digress...)

As I pondered all of this before going to sleep last night, the thought occurred to me, "What if I really believed that a loving God was in control of all this?  I mean REALLY in control.  How would I live?"  A lot more confidently, I think.  So, that's my prayer for our little family right now.  That we would learn to live confidently because of a loving God that has us hemmed in, behind and before.

P.S.  I love this shot of my girl on her birthday.  At one you're still unafraid to show how you feel.  Even at your birthday party!

My Girl is One

She had a blast yesterday, eating cake, opening presents (and playing with boxes), and generally being the center of attention.  It was great.

I just can't believe that I have a toddler!

My Children

Because they're so darn cute! Also, it's snowing here! It's dark, so I hope that there's still enough around for pictures in the morning!

In My Head Today

No day in my life has past
That hasn't proved me guilty;
Prayers are uttered too fast
From a heart that's cold and empty.

Oh blessed Jesus,
May we find a covert in Thy wounds;
Though our sins, they rise to meet us,
How they fall next to the merits of you.

Oh, all in me calls for this,
It calls for my rejection;
This heavy unrighteousness,
Oh, is there no protection?

My best services are rags;
My best deeds are filthy.

Grant me hear Thy shoring voice,
That in Thy wounds is pardon;
Grant me see Thy willing choice
To make my hard heart softened.

Keep the broken-hearted sure,
Clinging to Thy cross, our cure.

Oh blessed Jesus,
May we find a covert in Thy wounds;
Though our sins, they rise to meet us,
How they fall next to the merits of you.

-"A Prayer for the Broken Hearted"

New Favorites

It's been a while since I've done a "favorites" post, so here goes. Flavors of the month include:

*Lost-It's back. I can hardly contain my excitement, even if I'm more than a little confused at this point. Locke is such a good villain, I kind of wish that he had been a bad guy earlier.

*Saltine crackers-I had really forgotten how much I liked these until I got sick a couple of weeks ago and B brought some of these babies home to me. Els likes them too!
*Patty Griffin's Downtown Church-Amen, sister! I've been waiting a while for this one.
*The silver hoops that B and Els gave me for Christmas. Sorry, no pictures yet. I'm always behind the camera these days. But, they're from Aurum, so you can rest assured that they're awesome.

*Els' toy box-I have no idea what we did with all of this stuff before.

I'm sure that there's more, but that's a little sampling of life in these parts right now. While all of my friends north of here are experiencing cold and snow like never before, it's balmy and rainy here in Beaufort. Meanwhile, we're getting ready for someone special's first birthday. Can't believe it, but it will be here soon!

Molars

This girl is getting them this week. All the better to eat corn with!

Home at Last

On December 4, 2003, we finally met Grace. It was a really cold day in Georgia, one of the first we had that season. I remember this because Sarah and I had made "I'm a big sister" T-shirts to wear that day and I had to totally re-think my outfit the day of. (We also made Andy a "I'm a big brother" shirt. It was his first time being so.) Anyway, since it was Sarah and my job to coordinate, we had everyone (grandparents, aunts, siblings, future brother in laws, etc.) at the airport to meet Mom, Dad, and Grace a whopping 2 hours early. We stood at the top of the escalators at the Atlanta airport and watched people meet up after their travels. We ate Wendy's Frostys. We cried. If you've ever been at the top of said stairs at the ATL, you know what I mean.

Every time a new group of passengers started appearing, my stomach would drop a little and my heart rate would increase. Would they be in this group? We waited the full two hours and their plane was on time. Finally, we recognized Dad's face as he slowly appeared. And there she was. Grace was facing Mom, who was riding behind them, so the first thing we saw was the back of her glossy black haired head. She was wearing a beautiful red coat and black pants. I don't really remember the rest clearly. We all rushed forward and hugged and cried and took pictures. Grace was timid at first, but soon warmed up to us. (Andy had hidden a cookie in his pocket in order to bribe her in to coming to him-ha!) We got their luggage and headed home.

What a joyous and tiring night that was. I remember friends stopping by and Grace eating in her high chair (that Els eats in now at their house) in the kitchen. We were so happy to be at home together. Grace's forever family!

After

A self haircut (just the bangs) and
some more coffee and
a chat with my sister and
an evening with my family and
a little of this
i'm feeling better.

Maybe

it's because we haven't seen the sun in days or

my mom left today or

my almost 11 month old won't nap lately or

it's Sunday afternoon or

it's January or

all of the above

but

i'm in a funk today.

Journey to Grace

I can't remember the day Mom and Dad left for China to get Grace (sorry Mom). I know that it was towards the end of November 2003, because they were gone over Thanksgiving. They flew from Atlanta to LA and then LA to Beijing. They spent a few days in Beijing sightseeing and adjusting to the time zone (12 hours different) before traveling to Hefei where they would meet Grace for the first time. Hefei is in the Anhui Province of China, almost due west from Shanghai. The Chinese consider it to be a small town, but it is home to a couple of million people. Grace is actually from a smaller town outside of Hefei called Bengbu City. For whatever reason, the government did not allow my parents or any other adoptive parents to visit the orphanage where their children were from

They say that they hardly slept the night before they met Grace. Everyone from their travel group was supposed to meet up in the lobby of the hotel at a specific time the next morning, and everyone was there early. Nannies from the orphanage accompanied the director to the hotel from Bengbu City, bringing the babies to their new forever families. It's beautiful to watch the video of that morning because the nannies filed in the room, each carrying a child, while the army of new parents waited on the other side, half holding video cameras. Everyone immediately recognized their child from pictures, but had to endure waiting for their name to be called out by the director to step up and meet her. Dad video taped their meeting with Grace. The nanny gave Grace to Mom and Grace looked down as Mom held her close, beaming from ear to ear. After a few moments, Grace began to cry and the nanny gave Mom a cookie to give her. This quieted her down and then Dad got to hold her too, but she still had a far off look in her eyes. It is amazing to see her a mere two hours later in the next video. Mom had taken her up to their room while Dad finished up some paperwork. During that short time, she transformed into a happy, energetic baby eyes all aglow as she played with her Mommy.

They spent the next two weeks in China sightseeing, filling out paperwork, and getting to know Grace before they all came home to us. In the meantime, Sarah, Andy, B, and I had Thanksgiving with our family and ran the Atlanta Half Marathon. We lived for the phone calls from Mom, Dad, and Grace, listening to her coo and laugh over the line. These were the first pictures we got from them:

We could not wait to meet her ourselves.

Lots in Review

I'm going to interrupt the blogs about Grace's adoption to review the year, decade, etc. 2009 brought us one big bundle of change. Since we moved to Beaufort in December of 2008, I'm going to lump that into 2009 as well. Living in Beaufort has been hard. That's no secret to you all. We still struggle with friendships and where we belong a year later, but I am praying fervently that this year will be different. I mean, even if we still struggle, I am going to try and make a better effort with people and not let it get to me as much when they let me down. (After all, I let people down all the time, I'm sure of it.) The best thing that has come from this loneliness is that God has used it to (once again) turn my heart to Him alone for companionship and belonging. I don't think I'd trade a room full of good friends for that.

By far the biggest change of them all came in the form of a beautiful baby girl last February. I could gush for pages and pages about her, but I'll just say this: That girl has changed my life for the better in so many ways that I never thought possible. Parents are not lying when we say that we never imagined loving someone so much before our children were born. I had no idea that there was this much love in me. And, oh man, God loves us perfectly (e.g. never gets tired of our whining, etc.) as His children? I learn new things through and from Els every hour of every day.

As I sat at the breakfast table this morning, drinking coffee and feeding Els her banana cereal, I thought about this past decade. 10 years ago, I was about to graduate from high school and thought I would marry a guy who is not B. I didn't even know B at the time. So, in the span of a decade, not only has the world changed by way of planes flying into buildings, iphones, Lost, etc., I have met, fallen in love with, married, and had children with a man whose face I had never seen 10 years ago. A lot can happen. I don't even pretend to understand what will happen in the next decade.

I'll leave you with the cheesy, albeit true, text that my (not 7 year old) sister sent me on New Year's Eve: "I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I know Who holds tomorrow."

Referral Day

I still remember the day like it was yesterday. It was early September, my senior year of college. For some reason that I don't remember anymore, both of my grandmothers were at my parents' house, so after class that day, I went over to see them. When I walked in the door of the living room, they were both sitting on the love seat facing me, huge smiles emblazoned on their beautiful faces. At the time, I thought they were just happy to see me. (It's what I get for being a firstborn. I generally and commonly mistakenly think everything's always about me.) "Have you talked to your parents yet?" they asked. My parents were out somewhere at the time. I hadn't. "Why," I asked, confused. "No reason," was the reply. We chatted for a while, about what I can't remember, but the huge smiles and side glances to each other continued. Soon, Mom and Dad came bursting through the doors. "We have a referral!!!!!" The screams of joy resounded in the room as we all hugged each other.

A referral is when you finally get the word from China that you have been matched with a particular child. At the time, it also meant you would travel in the next couple of months to get said child. Later that day, we received a package with her picture and all of the information about her that was known. We finally knew where she was and a little bit about who she was. Best of all, there were pictures.

Aunt, Uncle, Niece

Here's Grace, Micah, and Els at Thanksgiving this year. (Note the matching bows.)

Meanwhile

While we were beginning to pray about adoption in Georgia in late March and early April 2002, on the other side of the world, near Bengbu City in the Anhui province of China, a girl (lady? woman?) became pregnant. Was she excited? Scared? Nervous? Probably all three. The only thing I know with certainty about this woman is that she is most likely very beautiful.

What circumstances drove her to leave her lovely 3-day-old daughter at the steps of the old orphanage in Bengbu City we'll never know. Was she too poor to take care of her? Did she give in to familial pressure about her only child being male? Was this child not her first? The thing I have to imagine is that she loved the baby she carried for 9-10 months very much as evidenced by the fact that she didn't abort her and ultimately left her in a place that she would easily be found. Whatever her reasons, I know that I am eternally grateful to this woman who gave up her child who would become the joy of our family a little less than a year later.

When the baby girl was found on December 30, 2002, the policemen took her to the orphanage and the nannies there named this baby "Fu," which means good luck or happiness because one of them had won some money in a local lottery that day. She was given the same last name as all of the other children there, which was the orphanage director's last name, "Song." Fu grew quickly during the coming months, as she was a good eater and vivacious, always demanding of the nannies' attention. For the first eleven months of her life, she was well loved by the caretakers at her orphanage.

But she was still not home.

The Rest of 2002

April 6, 2002 was one of those epic days. It was a Saturday, the day after my 20th birthday, and I had met up with the rest of my family to attend the wedding of some friends of ours. After the wedding, we all headed back to our hometown and went to my favorite Italian restaurant for dinner. Over meatball and onion breadsticks, I worked up the courage to tell my parents about the SCC concert and that I had been praying that they would adopt since then. In my heart I knew the answer would be a very patronizing, "Well, that's nice. We'll certainly think about it." And I was right. (Other fun fact about that day, earlier, during the wedding reception, I had been introduced to the friend of a friend. I remember that he had longer hair and a goatee that day. Twenty-seven months and four days later we would attend another wedding reception together-ours!)

Skip to summer time. The whole adoption idea had been put on the back burner of our minds and hearts as we prepared for trips and summer jobs. One of my roommates from the previous year was traveling to Cambodia for the summer to visit her aunt and uncle who were missionaries there. During her stay, she would write emails describing her travels, what she saw and experienced. I always got excited when they came because Cambodia was so far away and exotic. In mid-July, one such email would change the course of our lives forever. My roommate's uncle had taken her to an orphanage and she not only shared the heart-wrenching stories of babies and children there, she shared precious pictures of them. I can remember weeping as I read the email in the reception area of the accounting office where I worked. Quickly, I forwarded the email to my mom. I wasn't there when this happened, but the story goes that my parents both read the email together. When they finished reading, with tears streaming down their own faces, my parents decided that although they could not rescue every child, they could help at least one. I have a very special memory from family vacation that year. We all sat on the back porch of our hotel room in Montana, looking up at the millions of stars (the sky really is bigger there) and praying our hearts out for the little girl who would join our family one day.

Mom and Dad attended a meeting at an adoption agency the next week. A lady who had adopted a little girl from China spoke at the meeting and the deal was sealed, so to speak. We started the paperwork to adopt a baby from there. This is where I get fuzzy. If you want to know the details of paperwork and dossiers and home studies, ask my mom. She is a pro. (She even went so far as to call Zell Miller's office everyday for a period of time for their help with the paperwork.) All I know that there is A LOT of paperwork involved in adoption. We all had to get fingerprinted by INS and have family dinners with the social worker who did our home study.

Then, after many long hours of crossing t's and dotting i's, the paperwork was finished and it went to China. After that, we waited and prayed, prayed and waited, waited and prayed.

The Very Beginning

Last month was officially National Adoption Month. Last week we celebrated Grace's 6th Gotcha Day. And since I'm nothing if not a day late and a dollar short, I'm writing about all of this today. I've been ruminating on writing about my siblings' adoptions for some time now, so here it begins, here it happens.

And why not start at the beginning? (It is, after all, a very good place to start.)

Before I met B, I dated a guy with the same name for a little while. (My family still refers to him as the "Wrong B.") While not the right man for me, this guy did something of monumental importance in my life. In March of 2002, he took me to see Steven Curtis Chapman at The Fox in Atlanta. We had broken up a while before the concert, but I had always dreamed of seeing SCC, so I went. That night, SCC talked about the first little girl that he and his wife had adopted from China. And then he sang a song about her. There was not a dry eye in the place by the end. The strangest part in this was that I was prompted to start praying that my parents would adopt. What? Did I mention that this was a few weeks before my 20th birthday? My youngest sibling was 14 at the time.

So, for the next couple of weeks, I prayed, albeit half heartedly and with little belief that anything would come of it. I'll go ahead and say here, that I don't believe that I am the reason that my parents ultimately adopted. God used me to birth the idea in them, but more importantly, God used these events in my life to increase my faith. You see, Grace's adoption is the biggest miracle I've ever seen with my own two physical eyes.

I have decided that this story will be a series because there's so much to tell and so many details that I don't want to leave out.

"And like the rain that falls into the sea, in a moment what has been is lost in what will be."
-Steven Curtis Chapman

Blessings in Disguise

Last night, I asked B if he thought we should get involved in something, to which he replied, "When?" He said that he guessed I could do something during the day, but we just don't have the time at night now that Els goes to bed between 7:30 and 8. I have this need to do, do, do all the time and that is just not my life right now. So often, my self-worth has been based on the hours of a day that I could fill with activities and now my hours are filled with corralling an almost 9-month-old who is crawling and into EVERYTHING. But I still have this need to do activities and, when I'm really honest, it's not necessarily because I want to do them, it's so that people will like me.

2009 has been all about slowing down for me, and now, in November, I'm finally starting to accept that. It's not a coincidence that about half of the things I plan I have to cancel because Els is sick or just went down for a nap (finally!) or is just not feeling it on that particular day. I am learning to be still. Els won't be a baby for much longer and I am blessed to spend my days with her.

Also, as I have mentioned before, I am finally reading the Bible through this year and I don't have the time or words to expound upon how I am being blessed by this. I've been trying to post about this in more detail, but I just can't figure out how to say it just yet. Right now, I'm treasuring the things I'm learning in my heart and trusting that God will give me what to say to you about them when and if the time comes.

And the cold, hard truth is that none of the above would have happened if I had never left home. There I would not have cried the many tears of loneliness. There, I could have filled my days and hours with people and stuff and not been forced to rely on God for sufficiency and companionship. There, I would have built in babysitters and would not have had to learn the joys of doing everything with a baby in tow.

Believe me, I don't have it all figured otr, but I think I know why God took us away from our beloved home. It was so that we ca know and love each other better. But most of all, it is so that we could know Him better.

My Favorites

Mom's Teriyaki

One of the absolute temporal joys of my life is cooking. If you've seen me in the kitchen, chances are you've seen a very happy lady. I love to mix, chop, measure, and whisk. I cook all of the time, for special occasions or just every day.

Truth be told, it was bound to happen. I come from a long line of amazing cooks on both sides. Most of my favorite meals and recipes are those that have been handed down. Although, I cannot perfect my mother's lasagna, try as I might. No one can. We could follow the recipe word for word, and it is just not going to be as good as it would be made by her hands. One thing that I am working on perfecting is her teriyaki. You see, my mother is not only a lasagna master, she is also a marinade master. And there is no concoction with which you can marinate meat that matches Mom's teriyaki. An absolute classic meal at our house is grilled chicken teriyaki. My current favorite is grilled boneless, skinless chicken thighs that have soaked in the teriyaki for about 4 to 6 hours.

So, what is this marvelous recipe, you might wonder? Well, I could say that it's a closely held family secret, but that would be a lie. We're all open books, and since I'm sure Mom would tell you if you asked, here it is:

1/2 cup soy sauce
1/4 cup oil (don't use olive oil if you're grilling-it has a low smoke point)
1/2 teaspoon ground ginger
1 clove garlic, minced
1/2 tablespoon brown sugar

Mix, marinate, enjoy!

My 2 cents

Not that you cared, but I thought I'd weigh in on a current mommy craze that's blowing up a lot of blogs I read. So, Stella McCartney has created a line of kids clothes for the Gap. Sure they're super cute and chic. Even if it's chic in the utilitarian, muted color way.

BUT

Am I the only one who's noticed that they're trying to sell a onepiece outfit for $48? I spent that on an entire 12 month wardrobe for Els.

Just sayin'.

Munchkin Baby

The very first time that Els' Aunt Grace saw her wearing those green and white striped leggings, she insisted the Els be a Wizard of Oz Munchkin baby for Halloween. I found directions online to make the tutu and the flower headband at a local festival. Voila! Els the munchkin baby!

Jeremiah 29:11

Bear with me here, I'm no theologian, but my world is being rocked by this this week. Jeremiah 29:11, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" If you've run in Christian circles for any time at all or ever attended a church graduation service, you've probably heard this verse. It's inspiring, hopeful, very meaningful to know that the Lord God who created the universe has plans for us and that they're hopeful.

However, until this week, I never knew the context of this verse. You see, I am trying to read through the Bible this year. It's a lofty goal on one hand, but on the other, considering the fact that I've been a Christian for years and never read it through once, it's a also a goal that's loooooonnnnnggg overdue. (I mean, I read every word of the Harry Potter series.) Anyways, so right now, the plan I'm following has me in Jeremiah, and it's tough. Jeremiah was basically told to write letters to the king of Israel and Judah and tell them that the Babylonians were coming to take Jerusalem and all the people in it captive. When you get to chapter 29 the Lord (through Jeremiah) is telling the king and officials that if they basically surrender and go to Babylon, build houses, plant fields, they'll be fine. They were going to have to leave home indefinitely. He's saying that he knows the plans he has for them, but that they are not the plans that the people would have made for themselves. And the people weren't too happy about this, as evidenced in the chapters that follow in which the king burns Jeremiah's letter and throws him in jail. This is because the hopeful future God's talking about in verse 11 is a future in which they set up their lives in a foreign land and live for generations.

This truth is speaking volumes to me because, as you've gathered by now, my life is NOTHING like I thought that it would be. But, I would have it no other way. God knows his plans for me, and while hopeful, they're nothing like I would have imagined. We've left home indefinitely, and are setting up shop in a "foreign" (to us) land. And we're probably going to move again and again and again. But God knows his plans for us. Even if they're not what we would have chosen.

"I may not know the way I go, but Oh, I know my Guide."

Glorious Fall

It's finally here in the Lowcountry. At least for a few days, when we can pretend like there are seasons here and pull out our sweaters in hopes of wearing them a couple of times before summer hits again next year. The light is golden, the night-time temperatures flirt with the 40s, and leaves are thinking about falling from their trees. This morning there was a mist coming from the defunct golf course across our backyard, and as it hit the big tree behind our patio, it looked like smoke. The sight was nothing short of glorious. Creation, at least in my little corner of the world, was playing a symphony to the Lord.

This past weekend, we went to a small "Oktoberfest" in Port Royal, which is the town directly across the bridge from us. It was a good time and Els really enjoyed watching all of the people and dogs that were there. Els doesn't like to smile for people she doesn't know, but here we all are. Little things like this make "this place" feel more and more like home as we make memories together. What a blessing!

Oh My!

Just in case you were wondering, there is new media of all forms in my life. And, just in case you were wondering, here is a list of said "things that are rockin' my world:"

• Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer - I have looked at this book sitting on our shelf for over five years now and listened to B tell men many a time what a great read it is. I have read other Krakauer books and thoroughly enjoyed them, yet never picked this one up for some reason. Until last Monday. This is a must read. It is the harrowing tale of the 1996 disaster on Mount Everest. Climbing to the top of the world sounds miserable, yet captivating at the same time. The most interesting thing that I learned through this is that over 200 people have died on Everest and they're all still there. Yes, you read that right. THEY'RE STILL THERE. FROZEN. You see them when you climb it. Craziness.
• The most recent episode of The Office. Not because Jim and Pam FINALLY tied the knot. (However, I was excited about this.) It was due to the cold open and, most notably, what happened to Andy. (You just have to see it. I tried to find a Youtube video of this, but couldn't.)
  
• Last, and not at all least, the new Indelible Grace album. Oh my! It's new (to me) hymns. It's acoustic. If there's a type of music that defines me, this is it. Buy it and then listen to it. And then listen again. And again. By Thy Mercy is definitely a strong contender for Reasons Why's Album of the Year '09, even after only the 6th listen.
  

So, there they are. Please enjoy.

Epiphany

I remember the first time I heard the word epiphany. Mr. Smi says it in the movie "Hook," and though I had no idea what it meant the first time I heard it, I thought "epiphany" was the most beautiful word that had ever met my ears.

But I digress.

I had one such epiphany the other night as we were putting Els to bed. We do the same thing every night. B was laying on the floor surrounded by Rumor and Charlie, and I was in the glider, rocking Els to sleep (yes, I still do that-I love it!) when the thought occurred to me, "There's no place I'd rather be."

Now, y'all endure enough angst from me about belonging and loneliness and missing home to know that this was huge in my life. To God be the glory-He redeems all things! Even weeks that B works long hours and we're nap training and all three exhausted. What joy He can surprise us with!

"Sometimes a light surprises the Christian while he sings;
It is the Lord, who rises with healing in His wings:
When comforts are declining, He grants the soul again
A season of clear shining to cheer it after the rain."
-William Cowper

Shout-out

Thanks to Jana for help with the new header. Not only did she take the picture, she showed this computer-illiterate mama how to make said picture into a header.

Click on over to see more of her amazing photos!

Pray for Piper

A sweet family that we know from "home" found out this week that their 2-month-old granddaughter, Piper, has leukemia. It is so sad, but they are choosing to be hopeful from what I have heard. Please pray for this family and Piper's doctors at Scottish Rite.

You can follow their blog here.

P.S. Thanks for all of your words of encouragement lately. I feel truly loved and blessed!

Grace's Life is a Fashion Show

Today was Mom's day to read to Grace's 1st grade class at school. They have been spending time this week picking out the book for Mom to read and collecting various items for Grace to take for show and tell.

Grace rides with their neighbors to school because the mom is the school counselor and the daughter is Grace's often-time partner in dressing-up-and-riding-large-stuffed-horses-around. So, every morning Mom throws something on and walks Grace to the end of the driveway to meet the neighbors. In anticipation of the big show and tell today, Grace was already a little miffed at Mom for not letting her bring Todo, their dog, to school when she looked up at jeans and t-shirt clad Mom and said, "You're not wearing that to my school are you?"

First grade, people. I have a feeling that Dad's credit card needs to gird it's loins before this girl hits middle school.

28

Happy Birthday Babe! Love you forever!

The Night Before

In 2001, they still put phone lines into on-campus apartments. It was just before everyone relied primarily on cell phones and land lines went the way of the dodo bird. That year was my sophomore year at Wingate University and I lived with three other girls in an apartment where we each had a tiny room with shared common areas. We also each had our own land lines, since, like I said earlier, our cell phones were still primarily "for emergencies." We also each had answering machines that were entire separate entities from our phones.

On the night of September 10, 2001, my roommates and I decided to do funny songs on each others' answering machines as the greetings. I did an inspiring version of "Kiss the Girl" from The Little Mermaid on my roommate Natalie's machine. Another roommate, Faith, penned an original rap entitled, "Where Kel? I don't know!" for my machine which finished with the mad beat-box skills of four 20-year-old white girls. Sadly, I don't remember the other two, but we had a great time together and laughed a whole lot. It was what we called a "family night."

We had no idea that the world was about to change forever.

Why I'm Infrequent

I just got out of a good shower. Man, it feels good to be clean, especially after, and I'm gonna be real honest here, it's been a few days since the last one. I say all this because I sometimes strangely get a lot of clarity in the shower. My posts have been infrequent lately, I know. I feel like there's nothing to blog about, and when I sit down to write, I end up writing the same thing over and over again. They're all about how I'm lonely, but blessed, and homesick yet home.

I realized that I try and try to make friends, but I hate to be vulnerable, so I put up my mask with everyone, and so there hasn't been any real spark of friendship with anyone here. So, I feel alone. And I wallow. Then I write the same blog post (usually on Tuesday) and erase it.

I've decided to try to be vulnerable in hopes of making a good friend. Starting tomorrow. (No, I'm not procrastinating, I just don't call people with kids after nine because I know that we get irritated if someone randomly calls us at that time.) I decided to put this resolution in writing so that maybe I won't chicken out tomorrow.

As always, thanks for bearing with me through this. God is good through all of my struggling. I know He has a reason for this lonely period. I know he knows what it is to be lonely and that's comforting.

"Guide me, O Thou great Jehovah,
Pilgrim through this barren land.
I am weak, but Thou art mighty;
Hold me with Thy powerful hand.
Bread of Heaven, Feed me til I want no more." -William Williams

Old Feet, New Feet

I am

Eating frozen thin mints

Drinking Celestial Seasons "Sleepytime" (which we refer to as "bear tea" because of the logo)

Happy that Els was in bed BEFORE 9pm

Watching a re-run of Criminal Minds

Sore from a good run with a new friend today

Really engrossed in reading When a Crocodile Eats the Sun

Excited about visiting friends this weekend

Sitting next to my best friend

New Things

B is so brave. About so many things that I am a complete wimp about. He is the one always trying to teach Els new things (such as walking on his feet, see above.) He's the one that got her to sleep in her crib and without her swaddle cold turkey. He is the one who wants to get rid of the baby monitor so that I can sleep without listening to her every move. ("We'll hear her if she screams," he says.) We're not there yet, but I believe one of these nights he's going to sneak around to my side of the bad and just turn it off.

God is so good to have provided me with such a gentle husband who is strong where I am weak and knows how to push me out of my comfort zone when it's for my own good. I'm so thankful that Els and I have such an encourager in our life.

Favorite Things, Part 3

It is utterly amazing how my favorite things have changed since February 27th of this year. While they used to be (& partly still are) jewelry, toiletries, and other girlie stuff, they now include a wider variety of items. So, you can think of this "Favorite Things" as the "New Mom Edition." Enjoy!

1- The Shark Steam Mop. It cleans and STERILIZES my woods floors. No cleaning solution needed. Just add water. Dries really fast. Need I say more?

2- Baby Bjorn. I love it because I can put Els in it and be hands free while shopping, cleaning, or just walking around. (Okay, okay, and I secretly think of it as exercise...) Els loves it because she gets to be close to mommy, see everything around her, and lick the bib part all at the same time.

3- P90X. This is how I'm "getting my body back." Yes, it's hardcore. Yes, it's time consuming. No, I don't do it every day or do the eating plan. However, I feel like I'm almost in as good shape physically as I've ever been in and I can wear all of my pre-pregnancy clothes again. (I did a pull-up all on my own the other day!) Bring it!

4- This thing. If Els was making a favorite things list, this would run a close second to the cats. (She is enamored with the cats!) It's so much fun watching her push the buttons and learn how to play with the toys. I also think it really helps hone her eye-hand coordination skills. She gets so excited when she actually grabs what she sets out to grab. (Especially if it involves a kitty or mommy face!)

5- Amy Butler Nappy Bag. It goes everywhere we go. It holds everything we both need. And it's super cute and very un-diaper bag like. Mine is in this fabric. Love it!

6- Nap time. I never really understood until now the magic of nap time. It's as much for me as it is for my Elli-girl. She's still a very good baby, but sometimes it's easier to get a lot of things done fast while she sleeps, so that I can focus on her while she's awake.

Are you ever finished?

When you own a home, is there ever a time when you sit back, kick your feet up, and think, "Wow! There's nothing that needs doing around here!"? It seems like everytime I stop to catch my breath around the house these days, all I see are the next five projects waititng impatiently for me to tackle them. Since we've been home, I feel like I've been cleaning and organizing non-stop and I feel like I've barely made any headway. Oh, and did I mention that our air conditioner was dead when we got home last weekend? No? Well, it was. The repairman actually said it was the worst set-up he'd ever seen and he was surprised that the original ownwers had gotten away with the permit for it. He said that he would not put any more money into it. It was all but rusted over completely. Fabulous. So guess what we got last week?

That means, in the last 8 months since signed on the dotted line, we've replaced the dryer, dishwasher, hot water heater, and AC system in our house. That's not to mention several sets of blinds and the rooms we painted. Whew! Next time, we're getting the first year warranty on our house!

She Likes Flowers

Oh, they're so pretty!

You Can't Always Get What You Want

I realize I've been a little absent. We're currently breaking Els of the swaddle and that means a lot less sleep for us both. Also, at this particular moment in time, I'm eagerly awaiting the arrival home of my brother (21) and sister (24) from their little European jaunt (Hungary, Croatia, Prague-don't get me started about trip jealousy), while at home with Els, Grace and Micah. It's 1:16 a.m. Micah has already been up four times. Thus, I'm blogging and not sleeping. The phrase, "I'll look back on this one day and laugh," comes to mind.

In other news, we're headed back home for good this weekend. I am more than excited. We will all three be at home together for the foreseeable future. (Can I get a what-what?) B graduated from the course he's been in last Friday AT THE TOP OF HIS CLASS! And, *surprise*, he also got promoted to Captain on the same day. It was one of those days where we could see clearly that we're indeed headed in the right direction. But nothing tops the thought of us all just being at home. HOME.

"If you try sometimes, you will find, you get what you need..."

On My Mind

"O I am my Beloved’s
And my Beloved is mine!
He brings a poor vile sinner
Into His house of wine
I stand upon His merit -
I know no other stand,
Not e’en where glory dwelleth
In Emmanuel’s land."

-From, The Sands of Time are Sinking by Anne Cousin (based on Samuel Rutherford's letters)

Addendum

To add to the list of things I've learned while in Rhode Island:

• I'm apparently frightened by aircraft carriers. They are absolutely the biggest things I have ever seen. I had no idea. It's kind of like the Grand Canyon, pictures do not do aircraft carriers justice. I am astounded that these things float in water.
  
• Toddler spoons are a poor substitute for baby spoons. There's a big difference.
  
• Els is a great conversation piece. She melts the hearts of even these grumpy northerners.
  
• B is addicted to the one game on my phone. The man doesn't play any other video games. Ever. But he can barely tear himself away from Brickbreaker.

We leave in two days. But then there are only two weeks until we'll all be back in the Lowcountry together for good!

She-ras of the Faith

I've been reading A LOT lately. The list of books that I'm reading to the left is only half accurate most of the time because I forget to update it with the latest volumes I've picked up. Earlier this summer, I stumbled upon a wealth of novels by Francine Rivers in my parents' basement and have since devoured them. She is by no means a writer of fine classical literature, but the woman can "spin a yarn" for sure. The thing that I like most about her writing is not the fact that her books are page turners, it's that the stories are about great women, whether fictional or historical, of great faith. Mrs. Rivers wrote a great set of novellas on the five women mentioned in Matthew's genealogy of Jesus, Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, Bathsheba, and Mary. It's interesting to see how these women were all messed-up outsiders of sorts who did things that could have been seen as of ill repute from the outside. But from the inside, these were women of enormous faith who trusted God at His word no matter what life presented them with. And these five outsiders were counted worthy by God to be the only women that are listed in the physical genealogy of His Son.

Now I am reading Evidence Not Seen, an autobiography of Darlene Deibler Rose, who was a young missionary to Indonesia at the start of World War II. She was held as a POW for the entire span of the war by the Japanese, losing her husband and being falsely accused as a spy. What Darlene never lost was faith. Even when she was held without food or a way to go to the bathroom for four days, she never doubted or was mad with God. In fact, she clung harder to Him. Her walk with God encourages me through the pages.

By contrast, my life is much easier than all of these women, yet I think I have it hard most days. God has been so good to give me the stories of these women at this time in my life, not to make me feel bad, but to show me that He truly is the only Way and to encourage me during hard times. I want to be a woman of faith like Tamar, Rahab, Ruth, Bathsheba, Mary, and Darlene. I want to count everything loss for the sake of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. I want to walk so closely with my Father, that I recognize His rod and staff even when it's dark and trust that He indeed leads me beside still waters.

"When the saints go marching in, Oh Lord, I want to be in that number!"

Don't Stop Believin'

Five years ago today, we said, "I do." I never could have conceived on that day how much I would love B today. I love watching him learn about so many things and grow into the man that the Lord would have him to be. He knows me better than myself so I can rarely hide anything from him. (Which is a good thing.) I love watching him be Daddy. He has a way about him that can calm both Els and me down, often at the same time. And not to get all materialistic here, but *bonus* the man can pick out jewelry. Just sayin'.

I love you forever, baby.

Things I've Learned in Rhode Island

So far, I've learned:

• The New England coast is gorgeous
• Pretzels + Nutella = heavenly yumminess
• A very effective method of killing a crab is to fly it up into the air and drop it on concrete (compliments of the mammoth seagulls here)
• Communist and Democratic nations share a penchant for building uninteresting government buildings.
• Navy bases consider dropping a used anchor in the middle of the sidewalk or yard "decorating"

More to come later, I'm sure.

The Haves and Have Nots

No matter where I am, what I'm doing, or what I have, you can pretty much guess I want more. Hey, I'm human, aren't I? Ever since I can remember, I've always been a dreamer, thinking along the lines of, "When such and such happens or I get so and so, then life will really be something, then I'll have it all and have it all figured out!" But if there's anything I've learned in over 27 years of life, it's that, until Heaven, I'll never have it all, I'll never quite get "there."

I was thinking of this as I did a little boredom shopping in Newport today. Let me tell you, this place is so preppy it rivals Milledge Avenue in number of popped Polo collars, fake blondes, and Lilly Pulitzer sweaters. And places like this always make plain-ol'-me feel a bit inadequate. I always walk around thinking, "If they really knew me, then they wouldn't thumb down their noses." And I fall into the "if I had such and such, then..." line of thinking.

So, I'm trying to talk to myself today. Els and I returned to our hotel room and it was clean thanks to the nice houskeeping folks here. It's not big, but I have to think of the millions around the world who make due with a lot less than this in a permanent situation. Our little family is back together again and I must remember that that is what's important now. Who cares what Johnny and Jill "We summer in Newport and Winter in Aruba" think of me.

While here, I'm never going to be complete. No matter how many years with my wonderful husband I have or how many children the Lord blesses us with, this longing for something else, something more will always be there. Until we look into the eyes of the One Who was, and IS, and is to come.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

Please pray for us! Tomorrow Els and I are flying up to Rhode Island to see the man in our life. While I am very excited about this, I'm also a little nervous about flying alone with my precious little four-month old. I suspect we'll do just fine since she doesn't have to ride in her dreaded car seat on the plane. Good Lord, we'd all be in trouble if she did!

For now, I just have to figure out how to get everything in the one bag I'm determined to check. Oh, but what a happy reunion our little family will have tomorrow at Logan Airport. It's been six weeks now and I am way overdue for seeing B's handsome face.

For fun

Here's a new picture of my co-author.

A Doozy for Today

I don't usually go too deep with my posts, but here is a thought from the Desiring God blog today:

"When the ground of justification moves from Christ outside of us to the work of Christ inside of us, the gospel (and the human soul) is imperiled. It is an upside down gospel."

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." -Ephesians 2:4-9

My sister (the one who's not 6) and I had a conversation yesterday about how sin in our lives is not so much each individual heinous act, but rather the condition we were born into, the condition we live in apart from Christ. Therefore, it was Jesus' work alone on the cross that justified us with God, because we would have been unable to do so even if we wanted to. Nothing I have done, am doing, or ever will do could bring me closer to God. In Christ alone my hope is found.

How it all began

Before 2004, I had never given much thought to the four branches of our military. I'm sure that if I thought about it hard enough, I could have come up with their names, but I knew little other than that. And I'm sure I would have made the mistake of calling any of them soldiers. Soldiers are in the Army. Sailors are in the Navy, Airmen (and women) are in the Air Force, and Marines are, well, Marines. All of this to say, I never thought I'd be married to any one of them.

B and I were married one month before he started law school. This was expected. But he began law school like many, planning to change the world one case at a time. It became evident within the first couple of weeks that we needed some sort of plan for after law school. There are many areas of law in which a fledgling law student can specialize. B had become friends with a guy named John and John was considering joining some branch of the military and becoming a JAG. B and John share an affinity for copious amounts of coffee, so they became good friends fast and soon the military lawyer idea began to swirl around in B's head too. Around this time also, B had lunch with my uncle who mentioned that B should look into joining the military. After this, it was time to talk to me. I can remember it like yesterday. It was a Thursday in November. We had just turned the lights out when he says to me, "What would you think about me joining the Marine Corps?" (Actually he started the conversation with, "There's something we need to talk about.." which he quickly learned is not the way to begin anything you don't want your wife to automatically freak out about.) Oddly, I felt a really strange peace in that moment and told him that I thought it was a good idea. He signed a law contract shortly after the beginning of the next year.

Now, almost 5 years, an OCS graduation, a law school graduation, a passed bar exam, a Superior Court clerkship, a TBS graduation, 5 months at a permanent duty station, and two promotions later, we are 5 weeks away from NJS graduation. (Whew!) This means that B will finally, FINALLY be a completely trained and official attorney for the Marine Corps.

Oh, and a Captain!

It's been a month

I'm such a sap this summer-I fully realize this, but bear with me. Today marks one month since I last laid eyes on the man that I love. That's the longest period of time we've ever gone without seeing one another since we started dating almost 7 years ago.

Earlier this afternoon I got my hair cut by my favorite stylist at bob (SALON) and since I had some time, I drove around Athens a little bit, taking in familiar sights and seeing lots of new things they're building on campus. As I did so, memories began to crash over me like a flood. Feelings of a different time in life. My mind kept repeating, "Gosh, I love this place. Gosh, I miss this place." And then it hit me. All of the memories that are so special to me are special to me because of B. Running at Intramural, meeting in the Founder's Garden for lunch, living in an apartment together for four years, riding B's motorcycle around town, rescuing said motorcycle from abandonment in several north campus parking lots, countless dinners with friends, rescuing several cats from precarious situations, etc, etc. Nothing is the same without him. He is my best friend, and I feel equally as fond of the memories that we have in Stafford, VA and Beaufort, SC. I've cried both times I've pulled back into Beaufort since he's been gone. It's not these places that are the thing I miss, it's that man I love. (A sap, I tell you! I'm a sap.)

But I have to tell you, there is such joy to be found in the Lord. It is beyond circumstances and I am learning that this summer.

All This Mercy

I began this post last week by writing about depravity, but I don't feel like that's what it's about. Until this summer, I've never given more than a cursory thought to mercy, but now it's rolling over me in waves. So instead of more words on depravity, here is the prayer I prayed this morning while rocking Elli to sleep:

Lord,

Help me love as I have been loved;
Have patience with her as you have had patience with me;
Endure as I have been endured;
Give grace as I have been given grace;
Show mercy as I have been shown mercy.

There is nothing good that I deserve and nothing bad that I don't, but in Your GREAT MERCY, you rescued me while we were enemies. And in full view of my indwelt sin, you come after me still.

Amen.

Mercy beats in my blood, giving more life than oxygen. It hems me in, behind and before, it prepares a table for me in the presence of my enemies.

My Girl and Me

I got sunshine on a cloudy day. When it's cold outside, I got the month of May...

Blue Sky Blues

I'm not going to lie-sitting in the condo at the beach for the second afternoon in a row while the rest of my family is down enjoying the sun and the waves is not my ideal vacation.  Not that I can really complain-at least I'm here and not all by myself somewhere.  This is where the harsh truth of parenthood comes in.  Els is taking a nap and I am the only one who can feed her when she wakes up.  Add to this the fact that my husband is about 1000 miles away for the next nine weeks and you can imagine my mood this bright and sunny (perfect for the beach) day.  

I don't really have a lot to write about, so thanks for being a listening ear, world wide web friends of mine.  Today has given me a lot to think about, namely why God designed families with two parents.  Now, I know that this ideal situation is not always possible because of lots of different things, but I don't know how I could raise Els on my own.  I am sure I would have a lot less sanity than I do.  That said, I am so thankful that Els and I have a family that has invited us in with open arms and an open invitation while B is away.  

My world is just weird right now.  Not in a bad way.  Just in an inside-out kind of way, if you know what I mean.  

"Now the sky could be blue, I don't mind, without you it's a waste of time." -Coldplay

Lonely

I'm missing this man bad tonight.

Just a Little Crush

Here's a conversation that I had with my sister, who recently graduated from kindergarten.

Me: So, who's this little boy in your class that Mom keeps telling me about?

Grace: Oh, Johnny. I'm crushin' on him. [Pause.] Do you know what that means Kel?

Me: I'm not sure. Why don't you tell me.

Grace [very matter-of-factly]: It means I love him.

Swallowed in the Sea

I'm just gonna be real honest with you today-I'm not looking forward to he next ten weeks of my life. B is going to school (again!) in Rhode Island this summer, which leaves Els and me in limbo. Sure, we live here in South Carolina. We have a house and a few budding friendships, but when the day is done and there's no B coming home, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be lonely and a little frazzled.

Here's the truth about me: I hate being alone, and when I say "alone" what I really mean is "without B." Nothing means as much without him around. I have little motivation to make up the bed or clean the bathroom, grocery shopping and cooking (two of my favorite activities) are no fun to me when he's gone, and dessert, oh dessert-what's the use of dessert when all it does is remind me of he who enjoys it infinitely more than I can imagine? Okay, I'll own it-I'm a hopeless romantic. I love my husband so much more now than the day I married him, I'm not even sure I knew what love was back then.

Our other options for the summer are staying in Athens (which is quite tempting) and going to Rhode Island with B. The problems with these are the aforementioned house complete with cats and bird who cannot feed themselves, and new friendships that I would hate to see whither and die from neglect. Also, we would live in a hotel room in RI. So what are we two girls to do? A little bit of all three, I think. I want to keep our roots planted here on the isle o' ladies, but I do love me some Athens, and, above all, I'd rather live in a hotel room with B than in nicer accomodations without him.

"Nobody said it was easy; nobody told me that it would be this hard." -Coldplay (saw them in ATL this weekend and it was amazing, hence all the references)

Happiness is...

Els looking into my eyes and saying her little gurgle-words so intently that I know she means them

Hearing the garage door open...I know that B is home

Waking up to realize that Rumor is curled up against me

The smell of rain

Cooking a tried and true recipe for someone for the first time

The sweaty exhilarating exhaustion after a great workout

Hearing a song that I will love for the first time

Dancing to show tunes to make Els laugh

The first sip of coffee in the morning

Barberitos

Seeing an old friend after a long absence

Finally getting in bed at the end of the day

Mother's Day

So, I'm a day late, but in my defense, there were 9 people staying in our little house this weekend. I wanted to tell you about some things that I have been thinking about in the days surrounding this day. First, I cannot believe that it's been six years since the day that my grandfather, who we called Daddy Fred, left us for Heaven. It was an unseasonably cold and rainy mother's day that day and my siblings and I spent it alone because of his death. Looking back, I really don't remember why we didn't go down to the town where my parents were that day, but we didn't. We took ourselves to Logan's Roadhouse for lunch and I found a long hair in my chili. That was the last time I ate there.

Then there was last year. B and I were trying to get pregnant and had just moved to Virginia. I cried as I picked out cards for the various mothers in our lives, wondering if anyone would ever give me such a card. Little did we know that our precious baby girl would be on the way in less than a month.

And yesterday. We celebrated this weekend by the whole family coming to our house for the weekend. My mom's 50th birthday was last weekend, so we went to the beach and out for fresh seafood to celebrate that on Saturday and then the men cooked for us yesterday while we just hung out around the house, enjoying being together. One of my favorite things about my family is that we have fun just being together, we don't have to do anything exciting to make a day great. B and Els gave me a stargazer lily and I get to pick out furniture for our screened-in patio. I've decided on a red Lowcountry loveseat (sort of like an Adirondack chair, but made right around the corner from our house) and a picnic table. B is toying with the idea of making said table himself. We shall see.

To end, Happy belated Mother's Day to all you mothers and mothers-to-be out there. I am learning that our children are the greatest gift of all!